Monday, September 10, 2007

When Our House Is Run by Toddlers, Coming Soon

We shall dine upon cake and juice for breakfast. The juice shall be served over crushed ice, full strength, much to pediatricians' dismay. In the event cake is not available, pancakes may be substituted provided they are of the "silver dollar" variety and are officially referred to as "hotcakeys."

For lunch, we shall feast upon corn dogs, cookies, and soda pop, fully caffeinated and fully sugared. In the event corndogs are not available, pancakes may be substituted provided they are of the "silver dollar" variety and are officially referred to as "hotcakeys."

At nap time, well, there will be no nap time, but during the time that used to be nap time, we will braid the dog's fur and color the insides of his ears with washable marker, while watching "The Wiggles Magical Adventure."

At snack time, we will have hotcakeys. No substitutions please.

For dinner, we will eat cheese and ice cream, with our hands. Participants are encouraged to style their hair using an ice cream pomade.

Following dinner and before bath, we will see who can make the best sticky hand prints on the television while watching our bedtime relaxation video, "The Wiggles Magical Adventure."

Baths will last one hour, accompanied by no fewer than fifteen bathtub toys. We will exit the bath and dry ourselves only after all bath water has drained and we have lain with our faces on the tub floor and flopped like fish for at least one minute. We shall dry ourselves exclusively with bright yellow towels adorned with duck feet on the corners and hoods with bills on top. While drying we shall quack like ducks and waddle around the bathroom wearing only a diaper.

We shall never ever, ever, ever put on pajamas without first making an obligatory three laps around the bathroom while dancing and singing, "Nakey! Nakey! Nakey! Nakey! Nakey!" Rump shaking and hand jiving are mandatory.

The official bedtime ritual shall consist of no fewer than three story readings, eight hugs, ten kisses, and five tuckings in. Then we shall sleep like babies.


myminivanisfasterthanyours said...

OMG I so related to this! I have been living with two toddlers for two years. Lord have mercy! My daughter turns 2 next week and my son 3 next month. That means I'm down to one toddler and one preschooler, right?

And what exactly will change on that glorious day?

Pinks and Blues said...

All at once beautiful and funny and entertaining and so true!

A children's book text if I ever read one!

Sharon - Pinks & Blues Girls

Oh, The Joys said...

I think I can just take off - they can handle that all on their own - well, maybe with a maid.

Kelly said...

And who doesn't love hotcakeys?

Lauri said...

This brought back so many memories of when my twins were little!

It is a great story - I bet you could sell it as an essay.